It's raining today.

Bismillaahirrahmaanirraheem,

this is a spontaneous poem written,

in response of

Yasmin Mogahed's lovely writings in her book,

Reclaim Your Heart.

It's raining today,

after a long stretch of sun scorching afternoons.

It's peaceful today,

Suddenly shaded underneath the grayish clouds,

and this deserted heart cooled by the tiny drops of crystal waters,

falling ever so daintily from that vast 

vast skies.

My heart once so sore,

rejuvenates,

my mind filled with hopelessness,

refreshes.

What is life,

as obvious as a cycle,

people come, people go.

It's in this littlest moments like this,

Life gives its meaning,

Is it of leaving a legacy,

or rather a whole civilization,

It is more.

It is deeper.

It is of Love,

whether it is to be felt,

or to be left ignored.

For the rain showers everyone and everything,

may you be small or big,

significant or not,

rich or poor.

It gives to you your own meaning.

can you stop to smell the blessings,

embrace the comfort.

I choose to celebrate.

what life has given me,

that Love,

I so longed for,

is right before my eyes,

felt so deep,

within every beating of this fragile heart.

Please,

oh please,

just stay.

right there.

right here, 

so close,

so close.

Mashary is Two and he loves you!

(melting) Homemade Choco-vanilla Ice Cream Cake just for my boy.

 

Bismillah Walhamdulillah,

It's amazing somehow to have completed the video I made in this rainy day, I mean it's not 2nd of SeptembeR today but I'm glad we're still in the month of September. This post has obviously gone overdue, however I'm really happy that I have been given the time to compile the photos and turn it into a video so that the memories if my two year old boy shall remain insyaALLAH.

I'm not going to lie, it's been tough bringing up a toddler without my other half. Since Walid has always been a superdad and sometimes a supermom too, I'll have to admit that this temporary separation has caught me off guards! But Alhamdulillah, our family members have always been extremely supportive in raising my little angel, Muhammad Mashary Zidane.

Dear Mashary, This post is supposed to be about your birthday, I though it'd be nice if I could document some lifestyle moments of me and you, you know, doing all the daily familiar things together. Just you and me. You're going to grow up probably not remembering any of them but I want you to know that I treasure every moment I spend with you.. I'm grateful that these past 2 years, I managed and succeeded at being the mom that I've always wanted to be. The singing mom, the dancing mom, the reading mom, the one who teaches you the Quran, the one who always gives her all to cherish all that you are. Alhamdulillah these 2 years have been nothing but amazing watching you grow into a very smart, handsome boy.

However, my dear, You should know that I have another responsibility that I have to fulfill, and that is to be of service to the ummah. I have been contemplating a lot a lot on whether I really should put myself out there in service to the people while you learn to become independent or should I just continue to become a full time mom. But I talked to ALLAH SWT yesterday, you know just babbling about what is there to come in the future, how will you adapt to not having ummi around, how will I adapt the sleepless days and nights, and surprisingly ALLAH SWT Answered my doubts and worries with Ayah41 in Surah Attaubah.

My dearest Mashary, things are going to be different soon, you will not see me all the time like you always do now. Someone else will feed you, someone else will be tucking you into bed, I hope someone else will dance and sing and read for you too. Please know that with every step of the way, I will be praying that ALLAH SWT Will always Shower you with His Blessings, His Love and Mercy. and that you will find love in so many different ways now, not only from your ummi. and that will be amazing right?

What Ummi and Walid are doing are merely sacrifices that we humans are bound to do. we are here in this world to prove to ALLAH SWT that we are His Servant and we only live by His Mercy. and at such a young age, Mashary, you too are sacrificing for the sake of ALLAH. I can only pray that He Accepts our sacrifice and Bless us with His Love and Save us from the hellfire. After all, our ultimate place to be happy and safe will be in The Beautiful Gardens of Jannah one day insyaALLAH.

Mashary, please know that Ummi and Walid love you so very much, and everything that's happening is only the best for us. I don't expect you to understand, but I believe that ALLAH will Comfort you through this journey. I also hope that sacrifice will only strengthen our bond and love for each other as we are doing all this only for the sake of ALLAH, THE ONE, THE CREATOR, THE MOST LOVING, and most importantly THE ONE WHO GAVE UMMI AND WALID THEIR BELOVED SON, THE ONE WHO GAVE YOU YOUR UMMI AND WALID.

So, let's be thankful and give this a little try, You're a strong boy Mashary, you'll get through this easier than I will. It's okay. If you ever need me just ask ALLAH, He Will Surely arrange wonderful times ahead for our little family, insyaALLAH.

YOU ARE TWO MASHARY.

YOU SHALL BE PATIENT, STRONG, SMART, LOVING, AND HUMBLE.

AMEEN YA SOBUR, YA QAWIYY, YA RASHEED, YA RAHMAN, YA KABEER,

YA ALLAHU AKBAR!

 

 

Ummi's Graduation Day

BISMILLAHI ALLAHU AKBAR.

It's funny how the last post was about me getting geared up for the finals and this post is already bout me graduating. SubhanALLAH so many things took place during the study weeks of the final of the finals exams. And I'm so so glad that everything is over!

I'm currently sitting in my house back in Subang Alam, writing this post on m
y old laptop, the one that accompanied me to Egypt when I first flew off for my first year of medical studies. Now after approximately 6 years and a half, an engagement,a marriage, and a baby, I'm finally back, well not exactly to my hometown, but to my country to continue to journey thru the surprises that are in stored for me. :)

6 years and a half in Mansoura Egypt has really taught me a lot, stuff I can't mention one by one, Mansoura has witnessed my struggle as a medical student, a newbie in cooking, a girl learning to accept many differences and celebrate many similarities with her housemates, coming from I would say all over Malaysia!, a girl learning to accept love, learning to share in her marriage, and then giving, pouring  as much love possible to her son. All these, and trying to pass every paper in time.

The committee members of the graduation day had organized a few rehearsal sessions so that the graduation day would be grand and flawless. At first, attending them was just like attending any other session. However, on the first day, I had already cried. So many things, memories just came into my mind while we rehearsed the march of the graduates entering the hall. It was just so surreal. I just could not believe that I was already at the end of it all. All the hard work, the success, the failure, the glorious moments, the ever so painful moments, they just flashed into my mind while I take the steps to the stage. And on the stage is another different story, because our results were not yet announced, I felt so tiny and humble when they announced us as the graduates of 2014! Another part of me continued to cry of joy because I was imagining both my parents being so happy and relieved that I have finally graduated. That every drop of their sweat has paid off.

The 2nd day of the rehearsal was more complete. We managed to rehearse the oath, the national songs and the dua. Okay The Oath is scary and I'm in no mood to talk about it now. haha. Most of the time I kept silent because I felt like it was too heavy for me to carry. :(

Then we had the Quran Recitation and the Dua. This part was verryyyyyyyy emotional.

Some verses from Suratul Fath were recited and at that time, I was "on my knees" feeling so grateful that HE Has Opened so many doors of knowledge, that He Comforted me thru all the struggles, He Made me understand the foreign language my tongue had trouble with the first few years, He was There with me all along, He Held my hand, my heart, my soul. He was the strength in me when my faith faded, He Showed me goodness in everything that's bad. Becoming a wife, having a baby, gosh I never really juggled anything! It was always, if I took care of one thing, He Is Definitely taking care of the other. Obviously He Was even taking care of me! I really couldn't have survived the past years without His Blessings. SubhanALLAH!

The Dua then shifted me to another realm. It was when I came to think of my Husband. How I wish he could be here too, happily graduating too.I was sad because I did not want him to feel inferior to me. I know that he is always happy for me. He has been sacrificing a lot a lot for me that no one could ever imagine. I can never thank him enough that I put him through so many challenging moments, that he would happily become my punching bag, some unnesesary times. If you're reading this, I just want you to know that, you are the reason why I am here today. and it is your success too :) and at that moment I prayed so hard that ALLAH Would Make these last few years easy for you!

Wow so I was tearing up so much that I needed a tissue at the end of just the Quran and Dua session.

Somehow I'm glad that I cried a lot during the rehearsals that I would not be crying during the actual day. Well I was wrong. But I managed to control it, and needed no tissues..hahaha

That day I stood on stage watching my parents from afar, it was just undescribable. Honestly I could be on my knees again but that wouldn't be appropriate, so I held the tears back in but my emotions ran high. These two people in my life have been my source of support, never in a second trying to back out, they were and are still really the most responsible parents ever! Mama would update or ask about me practically everyday! like really everyday! and Papa, I know he misses me a lot while I'm in Egypt coz sometimes he would call me out of the blue just to ask how I'm doing. I'm just grateful that ALLAH Has Given them the strength and health to travel this far to witness my graduation and I sure hope I made them proud.

My heartfelt gratitude reaches far to my teachers, formal or informal since preschool till now.
I am so blessed to have such amazing teachers whom at most times are not only concerned of me academically but also my social and spiritual well being. I am just the luckiest person in the world to have become your student. I may not be able to mention names here as there are so many of you, but do know that you are always in my prayers,always.

Also I am grateful to have sent invisible Duas from my family members, my relatives and friends those time I was sick, sad, or nervous. This success is made of all those sincere invisible prayers you had all asked ALLAH to Bless upon me.

 Thank you a million times.

Last but not least, it would be silly not to mention my dearest sisters who has been with me all along. My family in Egypt, you know who you are.

like a dear friend said, "Saya berjumpa dengan kawan dunia akhirat saya di sini."

that is how I really felt too.

Alhamdulillah.

So this video, tells a lil bout my graduation day.

I hope to be posting post-graduation posts after this.

Also the ever so memorable Spain Getaway Post !

insyaALLAH.

Dilemma Drama

Bismillahirrahmaanirraheem,

Alhamdulillah we have safely returned back to our second home in Egypt.

The weather is starting to get chilly, so as my feelings towards this place, somehow gone cold.

It's been a week or so since we returned back to reality. The adaptation process has taken quite a bit more time due to the condition of the house that was full of dust.It was as if a sandstorm occured inside the house! 

Back in Malaysia, I was telling everfyone that staying in Malaysia will not do much good to my studies as the commitments were piling and piling every second we stayed. Alhamdulillah most of them were fulfilled however there were also many important things that we had to skip due to uncertain circumstances.

Talking bout uncertainty, I remember that day we went to Putrajaya to attend the gathering of Malaysian students studying in Egypt. It occured to me that, it would be very interesting if someone could photograph the event and focus on facial expressions of the students,parents, and even their relatives on that day.It would seem like a normal gathering where friends meet up, still smiling and laughing, however you could definitely , sense or even see the worries on their faces, the aura of, uncertainty. And to me, that is one of the biggest tests a human being could get. Imagine having to walk straight ahead, without destinations, without an end. 

For me and my family, it was only tawakkal and istikharah that helped us through. 

Back to where I am right now, this week has been a challenging one, as my assumptions of how I can really study and focus on my exams became the complete opposite when my son refuses to attend the daycare. He would scream-cry the whole day! Then I became speechless, devoid of any thoughts and ideas on how to cope. It was as if I was giving in. 

However, SubhanALLAH, ALLAH Reveals His Presence in so many ways, and this time it was through a video that I shared on fb yesterday. From then on, I vowed just to sincerely accept whatever circumstances. Like I would spend precious time, chasing, feeding, dancing, reading to my child when he's awake, and then read up and memorize as much as I can  while he's asleep. The challenge is to lay next to him and not sleep. haha.

Alhamdulillah I am very glad to report that Mashary has successfully attended his daycare today!

I managed to gobble up quite a number of topics,Alhamdulillah!

And as I was listening to the lectures on the laptop, Mashary suddenly woke up and I ran over to hug him back to sleep.As I looked to his face, I see a little boy who is learning to love, learning to show affection to his mom and dad. Learning so many things everyday and wanting to perform them to his parents to get a round of applause. Whom at certain time, has to cope with entertaining himself while his parents are too tired.

I really feel so bad.

So here's the deal. 

Whenever you're in school, I pray that you'll have so much fun learning about the world around you.

but whenever you're home, it'll be only you and me, doing all the wonderful things like we've never done them before.no tired faces,no reason not to repeat your favorites.

May ALLAH Grant me strength to provide the best emotional support for my baby.

May ALLAH Grant my baby strength to be confident to interact with the strange outside world.

Please Please Please.

Ameen.

p/s: one more lecture till I hug you until Fajr.

inshaALLAH

Fa HuwarRAHMAAN.

Remembering Ebony

Bismillahirrahmaanirraheem

It was around this time two years ago that our hearts were crushed and faiths were tested.

Looking at our Mashary growing up makes me think of our first precious conceptus.

Till I dreamt of myself, Mashary and a little girl just little older to Mashary having picnic together in a bright and beautiful garden.

Pure serenity.

Joyful.

Just my imagination materializing or was it a sign,

Allahu A'lam!

Really hope to see you in the other world, Ebony!

(Pronounced e-buh-nee)

P/s: after the miscarriage I would constantly ask hubby will we get to see Ebony in the hereafter? 

He answered, maybe. But maybe she would be really tiny.

Let me work hard to get to Raudhah first. 

Ameen.

Raya 2013 Photoshoot

Hjh Siti Faezah Hj Ahmad

Dr Hj Md Rosli Hj Sulaiman

Prof Dr Hjh Farihah Hj Suhaimi

Azlee Nuradi Sapieh

Nuryumna Md Rosli

Mohd Aimanuddin Roslan

Nurtasnim Md Rosli

Luqman Hakim Md Rosli

Muhammad Md Rosli

Muhammad Adam Daniel Md Rosli

1st Birthday Bash - of Family and Balloons

ALHAMDULILLAH,

We managed to organize a birthday party for our lil one!

It was held in Jiddi's house in Subang Alam.

Here are some amazing photos to be kept as memories.

a White cake symbolizes a pure heart, a conserved human's Fitrah. 

The Red Balloon symbolizes a year full of courage and warm moments.

                                                The Party was initially themed a Picnic Party,
             However the heavy showers came for a visit, so we transferred almost everything indoors!

                                               

Asking ALLAH For His Blessings and Guidance

                                        The Birthday Boy gearing up and saying Assalamualaikum!

 Simple Tea time Menu ,

Spaghetti Bolognaise, Roast Chicken with Mushroom Sauce, Mashed Potatoes, and a variety of desserts.

Yumm!

Proud Grandparents!

Suiting up!

The Birthday Boy in his charming Suit !

Let them eat cake!

One year old and walking!!

Another Surprise for Ummu Jiddah who shares the same birthdate with her great grandchild.

MashaALLAH!

with cucus!

Ummi is the happiest girl on earth today!

My birthday Presents! Thanks everyone!!!!

Ummi why no make up?

74 and 1 !

The man behind the yummmmmyy Roast Chicken!

Crazy Moments!

Updating and posting photos

A father's Love, A father's Dream, A father's Hope.

Find these talented people on facebook!
Photographer : Hus Fotografia
Cake baker : hansairil@gmail.com

Mashary's 1st Birthday Party was sponsored by Ti Yumna, Jiddah and Jiddi.
Jazakumullahu Khairan Katheeran Katheera!